I Can't Believe It's Not Shakespeare

Today I embark on the small but noble task of enlightening the world on the proper way to date  an actress. You might not think this applies to you, but a touring company could show in your  city, and while you are out for an innocent night with your friends, you could unwittingly end up  with a tongue down your throat because you were the first straight guy to look her way for the  last six months. So please read on….

1. There is the auditioning actor, the rehearsing actor, the performing actor, and sometimes, an actor who is auditioning, rehearsing and performing all at once. If you are dating the latter, you will be able to see her between the hours of 2am and 6am. Other than that expect her schedule to change on a whim, for her to be gone late into the night, sometimes through the night, sometimes up before dawn. There is no telling. Be patient. She is busier than you and won’t mind hearing just how busy she is. Often.
2. She is doing the most important thing in the world. If you are a brain surgeon, curing cancer or AIDS, saving babies from burning buildings or Jack Bauer, this does not matter. Acting is important like nothing else, and you must know this… if you do not, leave her, it won’t work out.
3. She will be kissing many other men besides you. Man up. She’s “in the moment.” And if she’s been with you this long, she’ll go home with you at the end of the night. Anyway, he’s probably gay.
4. If you have money… she doesn’t. Take her out if you ever want to do more than ordering in Chinese take out and watching whatever TV show is currently filming in your city. She’ll return the favor… but in other ways…
5. Romantic date = you pick her up at her place with flowers and take her to a long dinner at a nice restaurant (see above note) with at least one bottle of wine, followed by a carriage ride in the park where you talk about your feelings… Let’s face it… after performing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, or The Bros’ Play, when you say romantic, we’re not wooed with Chipotle.

-Ronit Aranoff