I Can't Believe It's Not Shakespeare

Note the smoldering glance. Sigh.

Here’s the thing, we’ve already discussed some of the reasons why we don’t see the big shows, but probably my personal biggest reason is the cost. I love Dolly Parton. I have been known to drunkenly declare that my greatest desire is to be the Dolly Parton of theater (Yes, now that she is in theater, I definitely need a new aspiration.) Anyway, there’s no way I can afford 9 to 5. I have to eat! I have to save up for some Air Yeezys!

But next week begins Shakespeare in the Park! If Broadway represents one half of our American identity, the product-based, consumer-driven Lady Capitalism, then Shakespeare in Park is her intrepid, homely sister Democracy. Once a year we pretend these ladies don’t hold an epic resentment for one another and can cohabitate our great city. Like any Democratic endeavor, The Park doesn’t care if ye be rich or poor, young or old, able-bodied or differently-able-bodied, black or brown or white; you are all welcome into her Delacorte. Though they do offer guaranteed tickets for generous donors, have great handicap accommodations and as well as special days where they do outer borough ticket distribution at places like El Museo del Barrio.

But for us! Those of us of median income and courageous heart, the backbone of America, we have the tremendous opportunity to wait in line for hours and hours in the lovely New York City summer for free theater. Much like the pilgrims endured the months at sea for the promise of religious freedom or like the pioneers loaded up their wagons to hazard the Oregon Trial for gold and land, so, too, will we wait for Shakespeare performed by Anne “In My Opinion Her Goodwill Earned from Princess Diaries and Ella Enchanted Will Never Fade” Hathaway and Raul “Curiously Sexy…Oh and DIBS!” Esparza.

Now whether you’re a seasoned line-waiting veteran or if this will be your first attempt there are definitely some things you can do to ensure you nab those limited tickets. LIST!

1. NEVER attempt this alone. What will happen when you have to go to the bathroom?
2. Trust NO ONE. You say, “Oh I’ll just ask the person next to me to wait.” They will take your spot.
3. Arrive Early. This should go without saying.
4. But have your Friend(s) arrive EARLIER. “Yeah, let’s totally plan to be there at 6AM guys!” Then you’re guaranteed a spot, but you can show up at 9 and be like, “OMG, guys, I totally overslept.”
5. Bring snacks. Your friends will forgive you for pulling #4.
6. Check the weather. Save yourself the heartache of getting rained out.
7. Have a smartphone. This is probably the most important of all. You need to optimize your chances. Using the online lottery is cheating. It spits in the face of everything this should be, a test of endurance in the name of theater, but nonetheless it exists so we must use Lady Fortune to our advantage. Last year my friend and I waited on line AND we both entered the online lottery. We got tickets from the line AND she won the lottery. That’s six tickets! Then we checked which were the best two and gave back the rest. We considered sharing with our friends, but we decided they didn’t earn it like we did. Though the best two tickets happened to be the ones from the lottery…

Now you’re well-equipped to exercise one of the few truly Democratic experiences left to us before Lady Capitalism invites her to a party and tells her it’s a costume party then when Democracy shows up in an unflattering Playboy bunny costume, she finds that it wasn’t a costume party after all and she becomes the laughing-stock of anthropomorphic symbols so she leaves in tears never to be heard from again except for the occasional rumor that she’s in a loving lesbian relationship with Lady Liberty or that she was found dead in an alley with her bastard baby boy crying in her arms. And even though Mr. Avarice denies it, it has his eyes. It has his eyes.

But hey! There might be some Shakespeare in your future!

Esparza, however, mine.