I Can't Believe It's Not Shakespeare

BREAKING NEWS!

Yes, the Tonys are over, but we can’t stop caring about theater just yet. There are a lot of exciting things in the pipeline for next season (A Trevor Nunn directed A Little Night Music! Uncle Jessie in Bye Bye Birdie!), but nothing has made people scratch their heads quite as much as the imminent musical, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark featuring a score by U2. Will it be an origin story? Will the score be self-indulgent? Will it finally get straight boys to the theater? Will singing make Peter Parker seem even more like a pussy than he already is?

Hopefully a few of your questions will be answered, now. In what comes as ICBINS’s first ever journalistic coup, we have managed to come across a few pages from the script. Transcribed after the jump!

(Spider-Man with Mary Jane in tow swings on his web over the audience. Spider-Man gently lowers in front of her building.)

Mary Jane:

You saved my life!

Spider-Man:

All in a day’s work ma’am! I recommend staying away from dark alleys at night. Well…I’ll be on my way then…

(Spider-Man starts climbing up her building.)

Mary Jane:

Wait!

(Spider-Man lowers himself upside down on a rope of web.)

Spider-Man:

Yes.

Mary Jane:

I want to thank you…properly.

(She pulls down his mask only revealing his mouth. Kisses him as it starts to rain.)

Spider-Man:

Gotta go!

(He hurriedly swings up to the top of the building. Mary Jane dances in the rain. Spider-Man watches from the roof.)

“The Webslinger of Your Soul”

Mary Jane:

Now I’m in his debt

He saved me from my plight

I’m caught in his web

Spun to unimagined heights

Mary Jane, it’s your heart’s defeat

By the Spider Man!

The webslinger of your soul!

Spider-Man:

An arachnid curse

Or the answer to my dreams

An inverted kiss…

But my heart still beats to scream:

“Mary Jane, it’s your buddy Pete,

I’m the Spider Man!

The webslinger of your soul!”

Mary Jane:

Swinging high along the Bowery,

Spider-Man:

Is it just these gifts endowed me?

Mary Jane:

Crawling fearless up the Chrysler,

Spider-Man:

Could Peter the nerd suffice her?

Mary Jane:

All this to rescue me?

Spider-Man:

Could she love the real me?

Spider-Man and Mary Jane:

Mary Jane

Mary Jane:

It’s your heart’s defeat.

Spider-Man:

I’m the Spider-Man

Spider-Man and Mary Jane:

The webslinger of your so-

(SUDDENLY an other worldly voice begins wailing. A floating stage descends on the stage. It is U2. The other worldly voice belonging to Bono.)

Bono:

Whooooaaaaaaah whoooaaaahhhh whoooooaaaah.

(The flying stage lands on the street, crushing Mary Jane beneath. Spider-Man springs into action, swinging down.)

Spider-Man:

What do you think—Hey! Bono?

Bono:

Hellooo, Spider-Maaan!

Spider-Man:

What are you doing here?

Bono:

I’ve come to tell you of very important things. You operate mostly out of New York City, right?

Spider-Man:

Yes, sir.

Bono:

Don’t you realize that there are places suffering worse?

Spider-Man:

Yes, but they don’t really have a-

Bono:

Hunger is the true supervillain and AIDS is its sidekick.

Spider-Man:

I…shoot web from my arms.

Bono:

Don’t you want to have a global impact like me, Peter?

Spider-Man:

I’m not- wait, how do you know who I am?

Bono:

These are x-ray sunglasses.

Spider-Man:

That still doesn’t-

Bono:

There’s no time! Will you join my crusade for the less fortunate?

Spider-Man:

What are we gonna do exactly?

Bono:

We’re gonna show them how much we care.

Spider-Man:

Is this happening now?

Bono:

Yes, we’ll take my flying stage. It gets its energy from the power of my voice.

Spider-Man:

Let’s do it then.

(The Edge hands Bono a package.)

Bono:

Oh, right. We got you this. It’s a commemorative black and red U2 edition of your Spider-Man costume.

Spider-Man:

Thanks.

Bono:

Away! Whooooaaaahoooooooohaaaaahh whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

(U2’s flying stage takes off. Leaving behind Mary Jane’s twitching, bloody body.)

That’s some pretty exciting stuff. At any rate it’ll finally open the way for a much needed musical adaptation of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns.