By Betty Dempsey

Spotted: hopping into a car in TriBeCa, strolling the Rue Etienne Marcel, splashing in St. Barts, and on and on. Though tips keep on coming, none have been confirmed as the country asks, where in the world is our Andy?

It’s been almost 48 hours since headliner Andrea Hart was a no-show at the Walk for Water charity fashion show in New York. This month’s Glossy cover girl (her record-breaking 12^th cover for the magazine) was last seen in public the night before the show causing a tiny ruckus at Minetta Tavern as “America’s Sweetheart” was inundated with drinks from would-be suitors.

No explanation has been given for Ms. Hart’s absence by her management team, but the Walk for Water show was apparently just the beginning. Andy has canceled several other appearances this month, including a shoot with Colton Messa scheduled this week.

“I really, truly, definitely have nothing more to say than yes, we had something scheduled and I was canceled on,” Mr. Messa confirmed.

Until we get a  sure sighting or word from Andy all we can do is speculate and wonder. Could it be that “The Face of America” is hiding a few cracks?

This is the second picture that resulted when I searched "dramaturge." The first was two naked dudes in kneepads. Seriously, google image it.

As mentioned, this weekend we had a table reading of When you Die you Go to Target, over which I presided with both dignity and poise as dramaturge. This was my first experience in this role which can sometimes be a bit nebulous, and it struck me how similar a position it was to a constitutional monarch. Roll with me here. The power is all in the hands of the playwright, director and actors (as it would be with parliament, prime minister and the voters), while the dramaturge’s role is reserved for ensuring that the directive of the play (or a nation’s integrity) is honored all while wearing wonderful clothes and drinking. Like the constitutional monarch, the dramaturge must also make sure to never overstep his boundaries. Especially as a writer, I have to remember to keep my hand out of the pot, but make sure that the ingredients are all available for the chefs. I guess in that sense a dramaturge is more like a restaurateur. No, wait. Okay, the PERFECT analog for a dramaturge is

Tim Gunn’s role on Project Runway. He’s there (still dressed awesomely and drinking, only classily) for the designers encouraging them, but never wan to say, “I don’t know about this.” Keeping one eye on the vision of the designer, one eye on the expectations of the judges, and a third magical eye on the product itself, demanding quality in is fabrication. The dramaturge has to be similarly trinocular to the playwright, the audience and the play itself. The integrity of the play itself being king. Like Gunn the dramaturge must ask questions, endless questions in an attempt to be the most informed person around and serve as a resource to all involved while carrying himself with honesty and diligence to bring about the best play the writer can write. Oh, and also a lot of saying, “Make it work!”

To sum up my experience I have taken it upon myself to compose an acrostic poem in the great tradition of my third grade writings:

Dramaturgy is

Reading a play

And thinking about

Making it

Awesomer

Than it was

Uh, before I

Read it by

Guiding the writer

Yes.

Yes, the Tonys are over, but we can’t stop caring about theater just yet. There are a lot of exciting things in the pipeline for next season (A Trevor Nunn directed A Little Night Music! Uncle Jessie in Bye Bye Birdie!), but nothing has made people scratch their heads quite as much as the imminent musical, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark featuring a score by U2. Will it be an origin story? Will the score be self-indulgent? Will it finally get straight boys to the theater? Will singing make Peter Parker seem even more like a pussy than he already is?

Hopefully a few of your questions will be answered, now. In what comes as ICBINS’s first ever journalistic coup, we have managed to come across a few pages from the script. Transcribed after the jump!

(Spider-Man with Mary Jane in tow swings on his web over the audience. Spider-Man gently lowers in front of her building.)

Mary Jane:

You saved my life!

Spider-Man:

All in a day’s work ma’am! I recommend staying away from dark alleys at night. Well…I’ll be on my way then…

(Spider-Man starts climbing up her building.)

Mary Jane:

Wait!

(Spider-Man lowers himself upside down on a rope of web.)

Spider-Man:

Yes.

Mary Jane:

I want to thank you…properly.

(She pulls down his mask only revealing his mouth. Kisses him as it starts to rain.)

Spider-Man:

Gotta go!

(He hurriedly swings up to the top of the building. Mary Jane dances in the rain. Spider-Man watches from the roof.)

“The Webslinger of Your Soul”

Mary Jane:

Now I’m in his debt

He saved me from my plight

I’m caught in his web

Spun to unimagined heights

Mary Jane, it’s your heart’s defeat

By the Spider Man!

The webslinger of your soul!

Spider-Man:

An arachnid curse

Or the answer to my dreams

An inverted kiss…

But my heart still beats to scream:

“Mary Jane, it’s your buddy Pete,

I’m the Spider Man!

The webslinger of your soul!”

Mary Jane:

Swinging high along the Bowery,

Spider-Man:

Is it just these gifts endowed me?

Mary Jane:

Crawling fearless up the Chrysler,

Spider-Man:

Could Peter the nerd suffice her?

Mary Jane:

All this to rescue me?

Spider-Man:

Could she love the real me?

Spider-Man and Mary Jane:

Mary Jane

Mary Jane:

It’s your heart’s defeat.

Spider-Man:

I’m the Spider-Man

Spider-Man and Mary Jane:

The webslinger of your so-

(SUDDENLY an other worldly voice begins wailing. A floating stage descends on the stage. It is U2. The other worldly voice belonging to Bono.)

Bono:

Whooooaaaaaaah whoooaaaahhhh whoooooaaaah.

(The flying stage lands on the street, crushing Mary Jane beneath. Spider-Man springs into action, swinging down.)

Spider-Man:

What do you think—Hey! Bono?

Bono:

Hellooo, Spider-Maaan!

Spider-Man:

What are you doing here?

Bono:

I’ve come to tell you of very important things. You operate mostly out of New York City, right?

Spider-Man:

Yes, sir.

Bono:

Don’t you realize that there are places suffering worse?

Spider-Man:

Yes, but they don’t really have a-

Bono:

Hunger is the true supervillain and AIDS is its sidekick.

Spider-Man:

I…shoot web from my arms.

Bono:

Don’t you want to have a global impact like me, Peter?

Spider-Man:

I’m not- wait, how do you know who I am?

Bono:

These are x-ray sunglasses.

Spider-Man:

That still doesn’t-

Bono:

There’s no time! Will you join my crusade for the less fortunate?

Spider-Man:

What are we gonna do exactly?

Bono:

We’re gonna show them how much we care.

Spider-Man:

Is this happening now?

Bono:

Yes, we’ll take my flying stage. It gets its energy from the power of my voice.

Spider-Man:

Let’s do it then.

(The Edge hands Bono a package.)

Bono:

Oh, right. We got you this. It’s a commemorative black and red U2 edition of your Spider-Man costume.

Spider-Man:

Thanks.

Bono:

Away! Whooooaaaahoooooooohaaaaahh whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

(U2’s flying stage takes off. Leaving behind Mary Jane’s twitching, bloody body.)

That’s some pretty exciting stuff. At any rate it’ll finally open the way for a much needed musical adaptation of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns.

Note the smoldering glance. Sigh.

Here’s the thing, we’ve already discussed some of the reasons why we don’t see the big shows, but probably my personal biggest reason is the cost. I love Dolly Parton. I have been known to drunkenly declare that my greatest desire is to be the Dolly Parton of theater (Yes, now that she is in theater, I definitely need a new aspiration.) Anyway, there’s no way I can afford 9 to 5. I have to eat! I have to save up for some Air Yeezys!

But next week begins Shakespeare in the Park! If Broadway represents one half of our American identity, the product-based, consumer-driven Lady Capitalism, then Shakespeare in Park is her intrepid, homely sister Democracy. Once a year we pretend these ladies don’t hold an epic resentment for one another and can cohabitate our great city. Like any Democratic endeavor, The Park doesn’t care if ye be rich or poor, young or old, able-bodied or differently-able-bodied, black or brown or white; you are all welcome into her Delacorte. Though they do offer guaranteed tickets for generous donors, have great handicap accommodations and as well as special days where they do outer borough ticket distribution at places like El Museo del Barrio.

But for us! Those of us of median income and courageous heart, the backbone of America, we have the tremendous opportunity to wait in line for hours and hours in the lovely New York City summer for free theater. Much like the pilgrims endured the months at sea for the promise of religious freedom or like the pioneers loaded up their wagons to hazard the Oregon Trial for gold and land, so, too, will we wait for Shakespeare performed by Anne “In My Opinion Her Goodwill Earned from Princess Diaries and Ella Enchanted Will Never Fade” Hathaway and Raul “Curiously Sexy…Oh and DIBS!” Esparza.

Now whether you’re a seasoned line-waiting veteran or if this will be your first attempt there are definitely some things you can do to ensure you nab those limited tickets. LIST!

1. NEVER attempt this alone. What will happen when you have to go to the bathroom?
2. Trust NO ONE. You say, “Oh I’ll just ask the person next to me to wait.” They will take your spot.
3. Arrive Early. This should go without saying.
4. But have your Friend(s) arrive EARLIER. “Yeah, let’s totally plan to be there at 6AM guys!” Then you’re guaranteed a spot, but you can show up at 9 and be like, “OMG, guys, I totally overslept.”
5. Bring snacks. Your friends will forgive you for pulling #4.
6. Check the weather. Save yourself the heartache of getting rained out.
7. Have a smartphone. This is probably the most important of all. You need to optimize your chances. Using the online lottery is cheating. It spits in the face of everything this should be, a test of endurance in the name of theater, but nonetheless it exists so we must use Lady Fortune to our advantage. Last year my friend and I waited on line AND we both entered the online lottery. We got tickets from the line AND she won the lottery. That’s six tickets! Then we checked which were the best two and gave back the rest. We considered sharing with our friends, but we decided they didn’t earn it like we did. Though the best two tickets happened to be the ones from the lottery…

Now you’re well-equipped to exercise one of the few truly Democratic experiences left to us before Lady Capitalism invites her to a party and tells her it’s a costume party then when Democracy shows up in an unflattering Playboy bunny costume, she finds that it wasn’t a costume party after all and she becomes the laughing-stock of anthropomorphic symbols so she leaves in tears never to be heard from again except for the occasional rumor that she’s in a loving lesbian relationship with Lady Liberty or that she was found dead in an alley with her bastard baby boy crying in her arms. And even though Mr. Avarice denies it, it has his eyes. It has his eyes.

But hey! There might be some Shakespeare in your future!

Esparza, however, mine.

This was it! My inspiration! I, too, am a sad-sack, cubicle-dwelling drunk! I would simply emulate someone who was already famous and blog about it and get rich when it gets made into a movie! But who could I emulate?

In a case of perfect timing, it turns out Personal Hero Kanye West has just released a book of aphorisms titled THANK YOU AND YOU’RE WELCOME

So I wrote up my inaugural post of MANNY AND KANYE concerning my experience putting this bit of wisdom to work:

To most people the saying “to use someone,” carries a negative connotation. But I don’t see it that way. To “mis,” “over” or “ab” use someone is negative. To use is necessary. And if you can’t be used, then you’re useless.

Minutes after submitting my blog post I get a call from our blog editor.

Me: Brilliant, right?

Charlene: A couple of things. First, this is way too long. People are not gonna want to read thirty pages of you convincing people to…I don’t even want to say. Additionally, I think pages eight to ten may even be criminal.

Me: Charlene-

Charlene: That’s not my name, and if you think-

Me: Fine. I’ll cut it down! What else?

Charlene: Second, this has nothing to do with theater.

Me: What? Theater? But everything is theater, Char-

Charlene: ICBINS is a theater company! This is a theater blog! Fix it, or you’re fired!

The callous, sex-deprived tone of her voice was effectively emasculating and inspiring all at once. I am not just a low-level government employee with a burgeoning drinking problem, I thought to myself, I am a playwright with a burgeoning drinking problem!

Somewhere between the God-awful jobs and willingly becoming a crazy cat lady, a barely produced playwright can forget that theater isn’t a solitary art. Gimmick or genius alone can’t bring anyone success (though both are good). A playwright needs producers, directors, designers, attractive actors and many, many others. Glory can only come on the backs of other people. As Kanye says, you have to use people and let yourself be used. This is the only way to survive the mob, and eventually the day will come, Playwright, when your words will sway the mob in your favor with your work becoming the gospel of the twenty-first century.

Until then, why not use us and let us use you? Submit your play for our reading series at submissions@icbins.com.

-Manuel Fernando Perez